Posts Tagged With: Swingers

A Special Relationship: The Swingers Guide To British and US History

Special

Special

The US Presidents and UK Prime Ministers have long droned on about the “special relationship” between the two nations, but how ‘special’ is special?

 
It’s fair to assume that the world leaders are fairly riotous sorts when it comes to their after summit wind down, but how far do they go? Over the years, we know the treasury keys have, from time to time, been chucked in a bowl in the middle of the coffee table as things got a little bit freaky late on. So, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have some sort of reference to establish the winners and losers in the long history of the Anglo-American swingathon?
 
Well, funnily enough…
 

The Frances Folsom Trophy

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In 1885, Frances Folsom became Mrs Grover Cleveland and the following year the youngest First Lady in United States history. In 1887 she accompanied Cleveland to the G2 summit in London to discuss which country would get to invent the diesel engine, radar, film cameras etc(all invented by the British, as you’ll know). It was after this meeting of the economic superpowers of the day that British Prime Minister Robert Gascoygne-Cecil 7th Marquess of Salisbury and his wife, Georgina, entertained the Clevelands by taking them on a ‘stoning’ tour of London(a popular activity of the day, where the wealthy would cruise the squalid slums of inner cities throwing coal at the plebs who risked injury to get valuable fuel). The two couples hit it off, and later back at Number 10, a tradition which would define the ‘special’ relationship began.
125 years on, The Frances Folsom Trophy is designed to work out the winners of this tradition over the years(Gascoigne-Cecil was clearly the winner in the original ‘meeting’, for a start Georgina was posh and therefore probably ungainly, loud and ridiculously accented)(not to mention the fact that Mrs Cleveland was still only 22 and considered, by the standards of the day to be… H. O. T.). Anyway, results are based, via a series of sophisticated computer models and complex equations(primarily the gI – Giggs Index of ‘likelihood’ and the PJAS – Paula Jones Aesthetic Standard), on the Treasury Key System.
 

First Round Knockout:

 

2011: Samantha Cameron £££ vs $ Michelle Obama

2007: Laura Bush $$ vs £ Sarah Brown

1998: Hilary Clinton $$ vs 0 Cherie Blair

1993: Barbara Bush 0 vs £ Norma Major

1989: Dirty Denis Thatcher ££ vs $$$ Nancy Reagan

1977: Eleanor Carter $ v 0 Audrey Callaghan

1974: Betty Ford $$$ vs. 0 Mary Wilson

1968: Lady Bird Johnson $$ v 0 Elizabeth Douglas Home, Countess of Home

1962: Lady Dorothy MacMillan £ vs $$$ Jacqueline Kennedy

1956: Mamie Eisenhower $ vs ££ Clarissa Eden

1950: Violet Atlee £ vs. 0 Bess Truman

1945: Clementine Churchill £ vs 0 Eleanor Roosevelt

1928: Grace Coolidge $$$ vs £ Lucy Baldwin

1918: Margaret Lloyd George ££ vs. $ Edith Wilson

1914: Margot Asquith ££ vs. $ Ellen Wilson

1905: Edith Kermit Roosevelt $ vs Lady Charlotte Campbell-Bannerman

1900: Ida McKinley PP Georgina, Marchioness of Salisbury (Deceased)

 

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Last 16

 

Hilary Clinton $$$ vs 0 Edith Kermit Roosevelt

Grace Coolidge $$ vs $ Laura Bush

Betty Ford $$$ vs ££ Margaret Lloyd George

Violet Atlee £ vs $$ Eleanor Carter

Samantha Cameron £££ vs 0 Norma Major

Margot Asquith 0 vs $$$$ Jacqueline Kennedy

Clementine Churchill ££ vs $ Lady Bird Johnson

Nancy Reagan $$ vs £ Clarissa Eden

 

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Quarter Final

 
Betty Ford VOID Jacqueline Kennedy
(Kennedy awarded victory due to Ford being hammered)

Nancy Reagan $$ vs. $ Eleanor Carter

Grace Coolidge $ vs. £ Clementine Churchill
(Churchill wins on the ‘we invented you’ rule)

Samantha Cameron £££ vs. $ Hilary Clinton

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Semi Final

 

Clementine Churchill £ vs. ££ Samantha Cameron

Nancy Reagan $$$ vs. $$$$ Jacqueline Kennedy

 

Final

 

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I would just like to be clear here that this is not some thinly veiled attempt at declaring a fiendish secret crush on SamCam, to say there was no obvious winner is an understatement. I had assumed before inputting all the data into my highly complicated and very sophisticated computer model that the bookies favourite(Kennedy) would walk it. Unfortunately, she was undone by her freakish Bouvier eye thing. Kennedy wore a sneaky line in massive sunglasses to try and mask it but, bottom line… her eyes were well far apart(Seabird rather than hammerhead admittedly and yes, an increased field of vision is probably a marvellous tool in the event of say, an assasination attempt, but still… freaky). Obviously we Brits, as mentors, have to set an example to our American cousins and so we don’t make a fuss of it , but there are times when British politeness, discretion and manners have to take a back seat.
 
There is also the minor point that pairing up the Cormorant-like Kennedy with renowned T-Rex Nicholas Sarkozy in the Berlasconi Cup would just be too weird for words. So it falls to Samantha Cameron, winner of the Francis Folsom Trophy, to take on Bruni…
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A truly special relationship.

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