So, you are contemplating letting The Child (your one obviously) watch a bit of TV to allow you to concentrate on something important, such as sitting down uninterrupted for 45-50 seconds, but have you really thought it through? You probably think it’s simple, but is it really as easy as avoiding anything with Justin Fletcher? Well, that really depends on whether you want to risk the wrath of the little commandant by turning off Rhyme Rocket (which you will have to do, generally within about 8-10 seconds of naively turning it on) because it’s an easier option than stabbing yourself in the eyes with anything pointier than eyes.
So, as a consistant and unwaivering servant of the people, here is my guide to CBeebies current schedule, commit it to memory, your sanity may very well rely on it. For ease I have included quick reference ratings for each one, firstly, the LASTTIP Rating(Likelihood of Accidentally Singing Theme Tune In Pub) which is of course, universally acknowledged and needs no explanation and secondly, the BPP Rating[1], which rates programmes enjoyability in terms of 80-90’s Blue Peter Presenters from the magnificent Konnie Huq down to the… well… Anthea Turner.
The Adventures Of Abney And Teal
Fabulous, worth watching just for Toby Dog’s Waltz. Avoid debates with The Wife about what the Poc-Poc’s are.
LASTTIP: High
BPP : Konnie Huq
Alphablocks
In theory a spelling programme where the blocks rattle off words beginning with their letter. Clearly produced by a moron(and/or American) as this morning X spent some time discussing that he was Excited and Exhausted and various other words which don’t begin with X
LASTTIP: Low
BPP: Diane Louise Jordan
Baby Jake
Undoubtedly the most sinister thing on television. Probably ever. Never turn your back on it.
LASTTIP: Low
BPP: John Leslie
- Never look the baby in the eyes.
Balamory
Phenomenal theme tune. The Wife cannot stand the “Balymoron’s” due to them always being “chipper” and wearing “primary colours”.
LASTTIP: Medium to High
BPP: Sarah Greene
Charlie & Lola
Harmless fun, until the inevitable episode when Social Services come to take both kids into care as their parents appear to have abandoned Charlie to look after Lola single handedly for the past few years.
LASTTIP: Low to Medium
BPP: Tim Vincent
“Sit down Lola, we need to talk about mummy and daddy…”
Chuggington
Farcial, the engines are clearly American gauge, as is the track and they often run the wrong way on it, yet all of them speak with British accents. Unrealistic. (Information courtesy of my father in law)(seems to gloss over the fact that most British locomotives rarely talk at all in his desire for accuracy).
LASTTIP: Medium to High
BPP: Diane Louise Jordan
Quite clearly American guage engines, they must think kids are stupid.
Get Well Soon
Never really paid any attention to this nonsense until I learned that the singing and dancing presenter, Dr Ranj is an actual practicing Doctor… Imagine if you turned up at hospital and he strolled in to consult!?! Admittedly it’s no different to my whole issue with Dr Glasson(my old family doctor who also happens to be Louisa Glasson’s dad, which is fine for me as I know that, but imagine the confusion and moral dilemma for others who see the framed pictures of them behind his desk, then leave thinking she’s clearly a serial Doctor wooer)(which she posssibly is). I like to think I’d warn him.
LASTTIP: Low
BPP: Diane Louise Jordan
“Clearly I’m going to want a second opinion ‘Doctor’…”
Grandpa In My Pocket
James Bolam (The Likely Lads, New Tricks) makes a disgrace of himself but is overshadowed by the young lad who plays Jason, and who you know swans around school being proper big time(Like Adam “Yeah hi, so like, I’m in Children’s Ward” Rowbottom used to)
LASTTIP: Low
BPP: Yvette Fielding
In The Night Garden
Someone was taking a lot of fairly potent gear the day they came up with this one. (Apparently)
LASTTIP: High
BPP: Richard Bacon
Justin’s House
Would happily give all my sensory organs to medical research to ensure I never had to endure another 3 seconds of Justin Fletcher MBE (confirmation, as if it were needed, that the monarchy is full of mentalists).
LASTTIP: n/a[2]
BPP: Anthea Turner
Match Of The Day
LASTTIP: Medium
MOTDP: Des Lynam
- Tinky Winky, Po, Dipsy and Lawro
Rastamouse
Designed almost exclusively for middle class, white students who pretend to enjoy it to appear wacky and ironic (see Magic Roundabout). A bigger giveaway of middle classishness than going to a fancy dress occasion dressed as a ‘Chav’.
LDSTTISU: High[3]
BPP: Richard Bacon
“Oh after this let’s get ready for our Chav party… I can’t wait to dress as a chav Octavia, I’m going to look so working class! Yo! Isn’t it!”
Rhyme Rocket
Quite off putting watching Professor Poet and Flying Officer Ditty visibly (and quite understandably) hating themselves as they fly though the galaxy looking for rhymes.
LASTTIP: Lower than their self worth.
BPP: Yvette Fielding
Something Special
Fletcher.
LASTTIP: n/a
BPP: Anthea Turner
“For the record, one thinks you are a dick, but one had to give you this… for the kids”
The Tweenies
Avoid at all costs unless you want to watch half a dozen (probably) RADA trained out of work thespians detesting themselves, self loathing genuinely seeps from the TV and will fill your house.
LASTTIP: Low to Medium
BPP: Yvette Feilding
16 years at RADA between them.
Timmy Time
Phenomenal theme tune, but plot lines can be childish. Also the ‘will they-won’t they’ love affair between Timmy the lamb and Yabba the duckling is ruined for me as their teacher Harriet the heron is a heron(not just a clever name) and I was one of the two’s of people who watched one the herons in Abersoch harbour eat four fairly sizeable ducklings in front of their parents(who had mixed feelings about the whole affair) a couple of years back. No lyrics on the end credits which frankly, is an oversight.
LASTTIP: High
BPP: Sarah Greene
Waybuloo
Employs a selection of child actors from whom they pick Cheebies each week to harass the Piplings. Currently my nemesis is “girl in stripey tights” for no other reason than you know her mother is standing behind the camera gesturing and badgering little Octavia between takes about her posture and mouthing “Proooo-ject’. Courted controversy last year when they briefly added Come Dine With Me’s Dave Lamb as narrator, an outcry from deranged mothers led to the new format being scrapped(The Wife was one of the deranged mothers).
LASTTIP: High
BPP: Katy Hill
I hope this helps.
x
Explainy Bit I’m Increasingly Having To Put At The End Of These Things
[1]Blue Peter Presenter Rating System Explained:
Konnie Huq – Brilliant
Richard Bacon – Alright(Supervision Required Adult Themes)
Sarah Greene – Alright
Katy Hill – Overrated
Tim Vincent – Harmless Eunuch With Elements Of Slightly Annoying
Diane Louise Jordan – Slightly Annoying with elements of Annoying
Yvette Feilding – Annoying
John Leslie – Dark
Anthea Turner – Stay The F-Word Away From My Kids
.
[2] n/a – Program’s featuring Justin Fletcher and/or Mr Tumble are not rated as anyone allowing themselves to watch the program should not be allowed out in public.
[3] LDSTTISU – Likelihood Of Deliberately Singing The Theme Tune In The Students Union.
*Nb: CiTV, Nickelodeon, Milkshake etc is obviously also available, if you want your young to end up on Jeremy Kyle
