Back when Facebook was fun, before they made it all tricky and difficult for non-yoof types to negotiate, I set up a group called “Briiliant Sentences” to celebrate my love for… well… brilliant sentences. I seem to remember it followed a particularly fabulous appearance by a particularly bad radio agony aunt type on Jeremy Vine, who dished out three pieces of particularly appalling advice which I (I particularly remember this bit) confidently declared were the three most ‘brilliant sentences I’d ever heard’ (the one I remember was something along the lines of “Only 60% of women who say ‘No’ actually mean ‘No'” – from a female ‘expert’ remember, and on national radio).
So thrilled was I, so brilliantly ridiculous were these comments, that I set up the group in order that I could refer back to them at any time, celebrate them and compare, record and rate future pretenders.
”Its proven that people in british society have a much larger area of personal space when compared to other european countries, and so I don’t feel bad when I say the man virtually sitting on my knee on the bus is really pissing me off.” A***** W***, 2010
Sounds weird I know, but in time it became somewhat popular, not a vast number of members but all enthusiastic contributors and generally with a similar approach to what made a truly stand out quote. I remember The Bar Manager and Pumpkin(“Actually David Beckham IS fit, he’s a sexy beast… and Johnny Depp” demonstrating the fine line between being ‘in touch with your sexuality’ and… well… coming out) having their own sub-pages, due to the frequency which they came up on the wall necessitating it(“Please stop hitting the dog with our baby” whilst technically said quietly, despairingly TO The Bar Manager, was still my favourite on his ‘sub-page’), however the stand out referencee, the most brilliant of all was the legendary A***** W***. So brilliant were her statii and quotes that the group was officially renamed “The A***** W*** Statii Fanclub”.
At this stage I should perhaps explain that A***** W*** is not her actual name, and that A*****’s actual name will not feature as a final ‘thank you for the memories’. For, at the height of her powers A***** dropped the bombshell that she needed me to remove her actual name from all posts in(and out of) the group.
“With heat like this, its hard not to shed a tear for the individuals with fuller figures.” A***** W***, 2010
A***** was in fact Nurse W*** by day(I doubt very much she was ever allowed to work nights) and what Aneurin Bevan failed to mention when setting up the NHS was that comedy gold, social critique and a borderline obsession with the obscure is apparently unacceptable from it’s staff. I concede that if A***** was actually performing a complex medical procedure, wrist deep on the operating table or mid way through informing an orphan that they’re an orphan then updating her Facebook status, no matter how brilliantly, is probably not really appropriate, but on the whole how did it affect the NHS?
“If I pull some of my hair out, then I could weave it into a fairly strong fibre, which I could then knot to make a noose. Taking the other end, I could stand on my chair and attach it to the vent just above, placing my neck in the noose I could kick my chair away and end this NHS conference once and for all….. I will start with my fringe.” A***** W***, 2010
So what the hell has this got to do with anything? Well, fast forward two years and the feeling still remains, like the ember that feeds the flame(without our leader the group quickly died)(not that it excuses a random Kylie quote)(Dangerous Game)(…but you already knew that) and every time I overhear something ‘brilliant’ the pain intensifies. Take today for example, stood in a well known high street shop by the changing room door and “…well I got it to flush eventually, but I thought I was gonna have to get the potato masher on it”, phenomenal. Rarely have I been so grateful to have missed the beginning of a sentence(not that rare in fairness, two weeks ago outside Talafon “…and apparently if you’re into riding goats it’s the best place to go”), but how to share? How to rate and celebrate?
“Anybody near a computer fancy telling me where my placement is. If its good news (something like neuro surgery or the morgue) then I shall buy u a drink for doing my dirty work” A***** W***, 2010 (I love that the morgue is considered as cool as brain surgery)
Well luckily I have a blog (can you see where I’m going with this?) and having just discovered that my actual wife has just been on the BBC’s blog to complain about the change in format of Waybuloo(seriously), I know that you can add comments and such to blogs(At this stage perhaps we could all spare a moment to consider Vanessa Hill and the other Waybuloo producers at tomorrow morning’s emergency meeting to discuss the public outcry at the appointment of the chap from Come Dine With Me as commentator)(which overshadowed the inclusion of an extra cheebie, a monumentally foolhardy addition considering yogo already looked unbalanced with 4 piplings and 5 amateur dramatic trained, pushy parented, child thespians) and so I’m going to turn this blog into a memorial page to the great A***** W***, feel free to submit, rate, celebrate or berate(admittedly I’ll need to investigate the inner workings of WordPress here, but it seems fairly straightforward and I do have access to my own yoof, who at 8 months old should be more than capable of setting up a forum, or whatever they’re called, on here…
Here’s a little taster of the brilliant, inane, bizarre and insane world of my associates, to kick off while I scratch my head and try to understand how to set this up…
(Discussing the London riots spreading North) “…they should build a wall like the one they built round Germany after the war to make Liverpool an island” The Bar Manager, 2011
”Star Trek is brilliant because it’s true. Not now, but it will be” The Bar Manager, 2010
“oh… I’ve just mistaken an older woman for Josh Boyd” Nant, 2012
“True friendship is being able to text someone to tell them you’ve seen a ginger dwarf, safe in the knowledge you won’t be judged” (for the record the immediate response was “He’s probably gay as well”) MB, 2011
“I’d been really romantic all holiday, I’d even fixed the fusebox.” Jeff Owen, 2012
“Altrincham used to be considered posh, but then McDonalds closed” The Sun, 2011