My Room 101: The Stuff I Can’t Just Put On eBay…

“You asked me once,” said O’Brien, “what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.”
“OMG! Justin Fletcher?!” asked Winston
“What? Oh ok, the thing that is in Room 101 is the second worst thing in the world.” said O’Brien
“Mr Tumble?” queried Winston
“Look, this book is being written in 1949, it’s not going to be Justin Fletcher, or Mr Tumble or Lord Tumble or… they aren’t even invented yet, CBeebies hasn’t even been invented. Just act scared, it’s meant to be scary”. said O’Brien despairing.
“Who’s Lord Tumble?” asked Winston.
“You’re a d**k” O’Brien exclaimed as he opened the cage and set the rats onto him.

Taken from the novel 1984 by George Orwell

The worst thing in the world? Well I suspect my own personal Room 101 would probably need to be a smidge bigger than Winston’s, his only needed room for rats, which considering he lived in tyranny under a totalitarian regime proves he was actually a fairly easy going chap. It would appear I’m not, I rattled these off in the night and from what I can gather I stopped rather than slowed at 101 purely for neatness, I’m fairly sure I could keep going indefinitely(what a happy go lucky soul).

As with previous posts I’ve resisted the urge to edit so apologies if the grammar’s not great, but it was ludicrous o’clock in the morning and as is generally the case with these reports I was half asleep when compiling it.

Anyway, are you sitting comfortably…

1. People who eat with heir mouths open, even though they aren’t actually toddlers.
2. ‘Celebrities’ who become celebrities on reality TV and then end up on ‘Celebrity’ reality TV programmes even though they aren’t actual celebrities.
3. Reality TV.
4. Religion
5. People who talk on their mobile to someone who they can actually see – “Hi, I’m over here, can you see me? …oh yeah, wave!”
6. Wimbledon fortnight
7. Shop workers who hover around ‘ closed’ tills when it’s busy, but don’t actually open the till so everyone in all the queues watch them, but pretend not to.
8. Shops with three staff monitoring the self service checkouts and one on the normal checkout for normal people who don’t want to play at working in a shop when they go to the shop.
9. Any impersonator who when interviewed on TV constantly does impressions.
10. Guests on TV programmes who don’t realise the presenter is blatantly trying to cue them up for the appalling anecdote they told the researcher about, three hours ago in make up, which they’ve forgotten because it was made up and/or they know it’s so deathly boring they don’t want to admit it on TV
11. People who disagree with what I say but don’t actually argue their case and just say I’m wrong. Because I’m not wrong.
12. BBC Breakfast after 9 o’clock when they’ve got bored and know everyone’s gone to work anyway
13. Newsreaders and weathermen ‘chatting’ on the handover despite the fact the weatherman clearly hates the newsreader for being the cool one and the newsreader obviously looks down on the weatherman, because they’re the rules.
14. People who have mobiles but don’t switch them on
15. Txt Spk
16. The word ‘Chav’ and people that use it.
17. The noises houses make at night.
18. People who blank you when you hold a door open for them.
19. People with orange fake ‘tans’.
20. People who leave their shopping trolley blocking the aisle of a supermarket
21. When The Wife shouts at me for playing draining rack Buckaroo even though I’m amazing at t.
22. Pandas (a waste of money, cocky and an affront to Darwin)
23. Casual drinkers who only go out for Christmas Parties or New year’s Eve and generally act like idiots and get in my way.
24. Not being able to eat a meal because the host(too scared to put ‘mum’) spends the entire meal asking if you want more of the things you’ve not eaten yet anyway… “Help yourself to more potatoes… Have you got enough peas… Can I get you another drink… Just tuck in…. Have I done enough gravy… Here, have some more veg…”
25. People who seem to enjoy being stupid “Ohhh What am I like?!,”… “A dick”
26. Footballers who kiss the badge(of the ninth club they’ve played for in nine seasons)
27. People that park in bus stops
28. People that park in bus stops to pick up their daughter from the bus and then the bus has to stop down the road (because someone is parked in the bus stop) to let everyone off, including the daughter who then waits for her f-wording mother to drive up the road to pick her up… Every night…
29. People that drive short distances instead of walking (and then probably park in a bus stop)(snap out of it)
30. The bit of non-chocolate at the bottom of a Cornetto
31. Little trilby hats on anyone under 65
32. Baseball caps on anyone over 65
33. Any journalists who refers to a foreign footballer from a minor country as “…the Uzbeki Messi”
34. People who say “They say…” as a prefix of an entirely unresearched, unproven, unlikely “fact” to make it sound less like their own moronic opinion.
35. Shiny leggings.
36. Parents who pierce the ears of their young children.
37. The hand on hip, slanty head pose that girls do in photographs.
38. When predictive text makes you look like a illiterate tool
39. Metro newspapers, specifically that it appears to be perfectly acceptable to drop the Metro anywhere tram, bus, floor, operating theatre…
40. Serving Suggestions – if I have bought a tin of corned beef it’s because The Wife is away and I intend on eating it with a spoon straight from the tin, I am not planning a delicious family meal.
41. The awkward couple of seconds when a waitress is clearing your plates and you don’t know where you are meant to look
42. People that ask you a question just as you’ve taken a bite of something and then look expectantly and impatiently at you for an answer.
43. Groups of ‘wacky’ grown ups on a night out in fancy dress
44. Forced fun (party games, drinking games etc essentially anything that interrupts either conversation or the car keys getting thrown into the bowl)
45. Reborn dolls (if you don’t know, don’t ask, definitely don’t google it)
46. Children in pubs
47. Any shop or brand that claims to be “passionate” about their product or field. (Have a long hard look at yourself SCS, it’s a sofa, you cannot be passionate about a sofa)
48. Price tags or stickers that leave a mark on their ‘thing’
49. Card shops that put up their Christmas stuff in August, so diminishing the amount of time my friends have to spend choosing my birthday card (November) and therefore the amount of time they have to spend thinking about me.
50. Mr Alex Ferguson’s watch
51. Any programme or film featuring any actor or actress who has been in anything else, but is not an actual household name.(or the production company have to pause the action and flash up a quick filmography each time a vaguely recognisable actor comes on screen for the first time, so that I don’t constantly have to miss valuable plot explaining “where we’ve seen him before” to The Wife)
52. People who use the phrase “I’m not racist but…”. As they are clearly about to be.
53. Lateness.
54. Wasps (Bee Gestapo)
55. Paper cuts
56. I’m not racist but, Indian call centre workers who tell you their name is ‘Alan’ so you immediately think they’re sat overlooking the Thames, eating fish and chips in a bowler hat even though it’s fairly obvious that’s not their name.
57. People who care more for animals than people.
58. Adverts on daytime TV aimed at old people to remind them they haven’t got long left… Don’t let your loved ones pay for your funeral etc etc
59. Sovereign rings on anyone who isn’t from the east end of London
60. London
61. Local Authorities unveiling their new modern logo, the development of which you know cost the same as 20 nurses salaries
62. Myrrh
63. People that post photos on Facebook of their car, drive, house etc as soon as there is anything closer to snow than a light frost.
64. Answerphone messages from old people
65. People who wait for the last item to be scanned and the price totalled before they look for their wallet or purse (for the record I clearly mean purse, but I’m trying to be PC)
66. People who get served in a busy pub, order one drink and then turn around and start asking their equally ignorant friends what they want to drink. (a. If they’re your friend you’d know and b. That’s not the rules)
67. Hideous people having affairs and thus forcing you to consider the concept of them having sex (luckily you won’t remember David Mellor so you won’t remember the toe sucking business)
68. Chaps over 35 with long hair
69. American war films which seem to forget the presence of other Allied soldiers in World War Two, apart from Saving Private Ryan. Apologies Mrs Ryan but we’d definitely have phoned ahead or tweeted him or something, not sent a whole patrol of other people’s sons out to get… this is a no winner.
70. Michael Winner
71. Shops that put the security tag things through stuff so you can’t try them on.
72. Shop assistants who look at you like you’re a mentalist for asking if they have any more of something or make any other reference to the possibility that the big door at the back leads to a “storeroom” not the massive staff orgy palace it clearly does.
73. Shop assistants who lick their fingers to open a bag and then touch things that you now own with their licky fingers. (If they came to your house and went around licking their fingers before they touched your stuff you’d quite rightly beat them to death)
74. Shop assistants who reach past your outstretched hand and put your change on the counter.
75. My irrational fear of T-Rex’s, people whose arms are very slightly out of proportion with their bodies
76. Cyclists who ride down the middle of the road.
77. Parents who dress their kids (particularly twins) in matching outfits.
78. Parents who wear matching outfits to their kids (unless they are in a cult)
79. Cults.
80. iPhone batteries.
81. Lying in bed trying to remember if you locked the back door
82. People who park in the Parent & Child spaces when they have a child seat in the car, but no child with them. For they knoweth the rules.
83. People that believe the Daily Mail
84. Oiks playing music from their phones on the bus.
85. Shaving
86. Fake bacon/turkey/veal etc for Vegetablists. Either eat meat and accept evolution or don’t.
87. “Knicker shorts”
88. Turkish Delight
89. The Walmart ‘family’
90. Cheap tea towels that are all printed and pretty and probably Cath Kidson or some such, but just push water around and can’t actually dry anything wetter than air.
91. ‘New Improved’ recipe products. I bought them because I liked them you bunch of… And put the salt back in my beans you bastards.
92. People who say ‘Like’ as punctuation.
93. People who call chips ‘fries’.
94. People who call crisps ‘chips’
95. Americans.
96. The Royal Family in any other capacity than a tourist attraction (and as such they spend their previously ‘interfering in Government stuff’ time by greeting tourists in Airport arrivals with touristy leaflets and flyers for visitor attractions)
97. ‘Fancy’ pint glasses.
98. When they change an actor in a series without any attempt at hiding it, generally because now the child actor, who was awesome at 6 because she could remember lines and her (failed actor) parents were fine with her being on set 16 hours a day, has grown up it’s become clear she has a face that looks equally furious and confused at all times.
99. Bruce Forsyth and whoever at the BBC is responsible for his continuing career
100. People who walk erratically on pavements in front of me – Slow, fast, slow, stop…
101. Adverts on TV for companies who encourage morons to sue when they’ve been morons – “I used the wrong ladder because I’m an idiot, am I entitled to cripple the small family business I was working for at the time?”

Try and get that lot in there O’Brien…


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One thought on “My Room 101: The Stuff I Can’t Just Put On eBay…

  1. Helen/jules

    I like the chocolate type bit at the bottom of a cornetto

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