Wasn’t It A Lovely Day The Day We Went To Bangor (The Lost Manuscript)

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“You know that bit where you sit opposite someone on the train and you look up and realise you vaguely know them, but you’ve already committed to the seat so you have to begrudgingly say “Alright” as you sit down, with just the right amount of begrudgingness so you don’t look rude but not too little lest you have to have a ‘chat’?
Well, it appears I don’t actually know Jamie Maquire, although due to my expert begrudgingnessing I think he thinks he knows me.
#awkward #hekeepstryingtocatchmyeye #concentrateonthefacebook #justpretendi’mreplyingtoemails #heprobablythinksi’mveryimportant”

Status Update Courtesy of www.thefacebook.com

The following is the actual manuscript which followed this status update of 11th October, during one of the most awkward hour or so’s of my dashing young life as I desperately tapped away on my phone trying to look busy, I have added a short appendix to explain one or two references but the content remains(dangerously) unedited… Cringe away, I did…

Just keeping staring at the phone, he keeps looking over, he’s definitely trying to catch my eye now, damn my excellent “Alrighting’ skills.

Oh I get it, he’s packing an iPhone 5 he probably wants to discuss it. Oh crapper crap that means he must know that for the last 10 minutes I’ve had no reception either… He must have sussed I’m pretending to send v important emails. He probably thinks I’m on just on the Facebook, he probably thinks I’m the sort of tool who’s just checked in ‘with’ him, which is only half true.

Maybe Heidi[1] is right, maybe everyone does know The Box. Probably not worth gambling on it though, us celebs like our privacy. He’s probably just glad I’m sat here not just some member of the public. Maybe he set it up, he could have set it up right? Yeah he well could. Where are the oher spare seats? There’s three student types wearing weird stuff saying ‘like’ every other word a couple of tables down, us celebs definitely wouldn’t risk sitting opposite them and there’s some old folk whinging about the price of tea cakes at the station with absolutely no hint of cliche or shame, they’d be a reasonable bet on a busier train as they wouldn’t recognise us youth types but they are properly whinging now… Yeah I reckon I’d have known I’d have sat here, yep he definitely wanted to meet me.

He’s looking again, he must have sussed out by now that I’m not really sending very important emails, although I definitely look important enough to need to send endless important emails, like a young Josh or Toby[2] or a jollier Malcolm[3] (well probably not jollier). Arse, just realised, we know he’s a massive fan of The Box so he’s probably realised that if I’m not sending very important emails I’m probably passing time by just typing drivel on to The Soapbox, as I do with all awkward, dull, quiet moments. Crap. What if I accidentally post this? He probably subscribes. What if I accidentally post it, his phone beeps and he reads this while I’m still sat here? Crap. What if I’ve already pressed it?… Errrr, loved the Never Forget cover after you married Karen[4]… Go and buy me a Twix you rascal… Nice coat…

Nothing. Probably got his notifications on silent.

He’s looking away now, probably trying to think of an ice breaker, he’ll say something in a minute. Wonder what the etiquette is about celebs asking other celebs for autographs? Suppose I could just ask for his in return, I could say it’s for The Wife, I could say she thinks he’s hot or something. That wouldn’t be gay or owt, not if I mention The Wife in the same sentence surely. What if he’s into groupies though? He wouldn’t try anything with The Wife though, not now we’re mates. What if him and Karen are swingers? Can’t see The Wife being into that, she hates Shameless for a start, not sure this is a good idea. Maybe I’ll just sign the autograph and not ask for his, think that’s less bad. I could say it’s for my brother who thinks he’s ho… No that’s too weird. He’s still looking out of the opposite window, he’s rubbish with ice breakers. Maybe I should give him an “in”, I’ll drop my ticket under the table, just aim for his side…

Well, that went well, he definitely knows that was deliberate. This just got awkward, it was much better when he was just in awe of me.

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Been trying to look enthralled by the majestic scenery and we hit Rhyl. How the f-word do you look enthralled by Rhyl? “Oh look that bus sheltery beach hut thing is mildly less depressing than the last bus sheltery beach hut thing”? The only people who find this sort of view enthralling are old folk, but they’re too busy whinging about having to buy the jam separately(and for the record no you probably didn’t have to in your day, but to be fair jam was f-wording rationed ‘in your day’).

Why are all the caravans painted green? To blend in with the grey sea? The grey sky? The grey beach? How do you even get a grey beach?

An overly cheerful mother with an distinctly overly annoyingly child have got on and sat behind the guy from Shameless(Probably so they can ‘check in’ on The Facebook with some overly dickish “OMG totally sat on the train with Marathon Box and that guy from Shameless :-)”). Hopefully, they’ll sing overly cheerful children’s songs overly loudly… Excellent! Overly cheerful mother has changed the words to ‘the wheels on the bus’ to… and this is genius “the wheels on the… train” LOFL[5].

This is torture, the only time the overly deranged mentalist stops singing is when Olivia[6] shouts “Sea” (which is every thirty seconds) and then she starts from the beginning again. By my reckoning this line runs alongside the sea for about another 20-25 minutes, which by my reckoning means I’m going to hear “The wheels on the train go round and round…” another 40-50 times. Unless I kill them.

This is getting unbearable now, I know it’s annoying him, he knows it’s annoying me, I know he knows I know it’s annoying us both. I’m going to have to break the ice myself, he’s clearly not going to.

Shit shit shitty shit. Went to do the half shruggy, eyebrow raised, eye rolly, silent tut thing but he wasn’t looking and as I turned away mid shruggy, tutty thing he did look and I had to maintain the rolling eye, tutty shrug out of the window instead. Essentially he’s just turned to find himself sat opposite a wild eyed madman tutting away at Colwyn Bay station. Tried to morph the rolly eyed tut shrug into a sort of very important concentration type look, the sort of look the sender of very important emails would adopt, all I actually achieved was scaring a woman on the platform.

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“Llandudno Junction station, change here for Llandudno, Betws-Y-Coed, Bleanau Ffestiniog” the platform is full of weirdos and zombies, thankfully and unsurprisingly they stay on the platform, resign never to go to Bleanau Ffestiniog. The old folk, overly annoying mother and overly repetitive child get off. Not sure when the students got off, but it’s just me and the guy from Shameless now, can’t quite decide what the etiquette is now, surely one of us moves to an empty space, you only need to spread your stuff out so it looks like you needed more room. He’s on the aisle seat but I sat down after him, who’s meant to move? He’s on the aisle, it’s definitely him that should move.

Just had a phone call, which resulted in me having to make another phone call, which resulted in me divulging my actual name on the phone. Feel a bit weird, am now very aware that he knows my name, bit of an invasion of privacy that. He should have moved, he’s on the aisle. I’m now basically sat opposite a guy(who is clearly in awe if my celebrity)(he’s basically a stalker) on an empty train, who knows my name and is refusing to move. I could get a restraining order on him easily.

At this stage we must have arrived at Bangor, because the ramble(and subsequent cringing ends) with no mention of the awkward part when we pulled into the station, got up and marched purposefully and in opposite directions down the carriage to different doors.

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Appendix:
1. Macker – posted “Doesn’t everybody know MB?” In response to the above Facebook status. Very astute lady.
2. Lyman and Zeigler – West Wing stalwarts, who would definitely have been the sort to have combined walking and talking obscurely fast with tapping away on the Blackberry’s, had they not been alive pre smartphone.
3. Tucker – Probably not strictly true, as he strikes me as much more of a phoneshout kind of guy. Sam would deal with important emails.
4. Maguire – The guy off Shameless’ wife and landlady of The Jockey.
5. Laugh Out F-Wording Loud – Nb LOFL used with massive amounts of irony, due to lack of moronity.
6. Overly Repetitive Child – I know this because the overly killable mother used it at the beginning(and sometimes end) of every sentence to her offspring.

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