It’s exam season and as the selfless public servant you know MB to be, today sees the launch of The Box’s very own “All You Need To Know About…” revision guides. Featuring the stuff you actually need to know, without any of the chaff and fillers that teachers would have you believe is important in order to bulk out their curriculum, justify their whinging and excuse their striking and such.
The ultimate irony is, of course, that if the NUT actually used my simplified syllabii(I’ll have Geography, Books, RE and Economics covered shortly) teachers and students alike would have even more holidays, benefiting the UK’s ailing tourist industry, in turn stabilising the economy, encouraging investment and creating growth. This would enable Dave and the rest of the gang at No.10 to snap up some bargains(specifically Greece, Ireland, Portugal, Spain and Italy), as Europe continues to struggle. This would provide the foundation of the New British Empire which could expand at will over the next decade, picking off all the decent bits of the Eurozone and allowing us to surround France and keep a closer eye on them. Within a few years this New British Empire, which would probably last for a thousand years, would take the Yanks back under it’s wing and start the lengthy process of getting them to speak(and spell) correctly.
Anyway, it’s important that I don’t make too big a deal out of what may appear at first glance to be an aimless ramble, and it certainly isn’t for me to take the credit for saving this once great land, but I will not cease from mental fight, nor shall my pen sleep in my hand, until we have built New Britannia, in Europe’s green and pleasant land.
All You Really Need To Know About…
Modern history and that.
The first guide will tackle ‘Modern History’, all the important stuff that’s happened in the last century or so. Right then kids, straight in, no messing around…
1901- US President “Wild Bill” McKinley assassinated by Leon Czolgosz(31 points) in a row over whether you’re allowed names in Scrabble.
1901- Queen Victoria dies after a record 94 years on the throne.
1903- Less than a century after various British and French powered flights(Stringfellow, Gillard, Temple de la Croix, Ader…) the Wright Flyer becomes the first American flying machine, which essentially makes it the first flying machine.
1905- Albert Einstein invents the only equation anyone will ever remember from school, although no one actually knows what it explains.
1905- Russian Revolution Part 1. Never really caught on.
1906- Earthquake measuring 7.8 on the ricther scale nails San Francisco. Blamed on San Andreas.
1912- The Titanic sinks, the Olympic and Britannic don’t. Meaning visitors to Belfast will forever have the Harland & Wolff shipyard pointed out as the place where the Titanic was built. Odd boast.
1914-Serbian terrorist plot overshadowed by decision to call themselves The Black Hand Gang.
1917- Russian Revolution Part II and III: Tsar for the memories.
1922- Benito Mussolini invents being a pouting, demented fascist leader, not very good at it, overshadowed by Austrian lad.
1928-Alexander Fleming’s discovery of Penicillin hailed as best thing since… something really significant…
1928- Sliced bread invented, hailed as best thing since Penicillin.
1933- Jerry appoint an Austrian decorator as Chancellor. He boldly vows “Give me 10 years and you won’t recognise Germany”.
1938- Orson Wells’ “War Of The Worlds” radio play causes panic in America when listeners believe the play to be actual news footage. The play was believed largely due to the imminent and very high likelihood of a Martian invasion and in no way because Americans are idiots.
1939-Adolf Hitler and Joe Stalin sign Molotov Ribbentrop pact, splitting Poland and allying Germany and Russia. Went well.
1941- Mount Rushmore completed by American with nothing better to do, despite there being a depression on and such.
1945- Admiral Karl Donitz appointed Reichspräsident of Germany, immediately forges ahead with radical overhaul of German domestic policy, pioneered right to buy scheme and introduced a policy of surrendering in any outstanding World Wars.
1948- The US invents Israel, ensuring lasting peace in the middle east.
1951- South Africans forced to carry ID cards to identify their race
1951- Harry Truman signs shock peace accord with Japan, ending World War II.
1952- “Queen” Elizabeth II agrees to keep the throne warm until Charles is ready.
1957- Jokers mocking the Soviet space program are left red faced when Comrade Laika bravely pilots Sputnik 2 into space, tragically she dies in space as the Soviet’s hadn’t quite got round to working out the whole ‘returny’ bit(oh, and ‘she’ was a dog).
1961- Churchill’s suggestion of an iron curtain proves impractical, East Germany opts for a ‘wall’ instead.
1963- JFK assassinated by the CIA.
1965- The US, having had better ideas, sends troops to Vietnam.
1966- Star Trek aired for the first time. Not worthy of note other than without it The Bar Manager would never have uttered the famous “Star Trek is brilliant because it’s true, not now but it will be” line.
1969- Neil Armstrong becomes the first man on “the moon” apart from the cameraman who clearly doesn’t count.
1972- Watergate scandal. That nice Mr Nixon gets caught doing what every government agency, President and News Of The World editor has been doing for years before and ever since.
1974- President Nixon resigns and delivers the most cringeworthingly awkward resignation/cheerio/thank you speech in modern history as he thanks everyone he’s ever met apart from his wife Pat(seriously, check out the body language when they leave the White House… Awkward).
1977- Star Wars released. Despite dying in a galaxy far, far away Yoda later appears in Vodafone adverts casting doubts over whether it is actually a true story, like Star Trek.
1979- Margaret Thatcher becomes first “lady” Prime Minister, Dennis Thatcher briefly becomes the face of p***y whipped husbands, until Maggie rings her little bell for more gin.
1980- John Lennon assassinated, UK music industry refuses to send anyone apart from Blunt, Morrison and Pop-Factor winners to America until further notice.
1981- Around 750 million people around the world watch Lady Diana Spencer marry King to be(Lol) Prince Charles.
1981- Around 750 million people around the world need to have a long hard look at themselves.
1982- Michael Jackson releases Thriller, influencing a whole generation of old people. Most of whom insist on doing the walk infront of me whenever I’m in any form of rush.
1985-Mikhail Gorbachev becomes leader of USSR. Very busy, he does not notice paint drip from downstairs bathroom until many years later, covers it up with a trilby.
1989- Conversion of Berlin wall. Along with current Premier League referee Anthony Taylor, I sold bits of the wall(gravel from the playground) to contemporaries at school the same morning, including Daniel Law who came back and bought more after lunch for his dad.
1990- Nelson Mandela freed, students everywhere left do-gooder-crusade-less, leading to a huge rise in vegetarianism.
1991-Tim Berners Lee invents the Internet, never got round to patenting it due to wife mithering him to get off the computer so she could find some sunglasses like Sinita’s on ASOS. Luckily it never really caught on(OMG! imagine if it had, he’d be like sooo totally rich).
1993- Lorena Bobbit cut off… I can’t even type it.
1997- Princess Diana killed by asylum seekers, the gays and gluten.
1997- Scientists master cloning and finally manage to establish some sort of uniformity to sheeps.
1998- “Titanic” most successful film ever, despite Celine Dion and Belfast taxi drivers.
1998- No one thinks to ask the 250 secret service personnel trialling the President at all times about “that woman” or indeed that dress.
1999- The world ends due to the Y2K bug.
There were a few other events of note, but this lot, with a bit of padding out will easily get you an A. Which should in turn, get you £10 from your parents(assuming of course your parents have to bribe you to pass exams, like some of the go-getters I found myself at school with)(the sort of people who might, for instance, then invest some of this hard earned money in actual pieces of the Berlin wall)(which as historians will no doubt confirm, was built almost entirely from gravel and/or playgrounds).
 The Britannic did sink a bit, but not until 1916, and it hit a mine, so hardly worth a mention really.
 It is unclear how many South African police were actually registered blind, but no doubt ID cards(presumably in braile) were crucial to distinguish between the white and coloured population.
 The Box makes a famous cameo in Oliver Stone’s film JFK, due to being in the background during filming in a park in Washington when on a lacrosse tour when The Box was a dashing youth. Still waiting for royalty cheque, should have employed a better/an agent.
 “The Moon”, Edwards Air Force Base, CA 93524, USA
 Information courtesy of The Daily Mail.