In December 2010 I posted an open, thought provoking statement to Box fans, it read simply:
“Pol Pot, Genghis Kahn, Leona Lewis, Adolf Hitler, Jodie Marsh, Cain, Jesus Christ, Anthea Turner, Jim Jones, Courto from Courts, Chris Martin, Heather Mills, Joseph Goebbels, Bruce Forsyth(assumed), Armin Meiwers, Frankenstein’s Monster(Alan?), Hayden Panettiere, Sir Stafford Kripps, Christina Yang, Uri Geller… Discuss.”
What my public did not know was that this wasn’t quite the random cross section of society it might appear. It was indeed a ‘random cross section’ but it was selected completely randomly at random, from one particular group on the very fringe of society. A group so extreme and ludicrous that even Jim Carey refuses to confirm(or tellingly refute) claims he is a member.
My social experiment was a simple one, to gain a totally unbiased assessment of the group. I wanted to see whether, aside from some mildly genocidal, social awkwardness, does this sub-species share any other hidden characteristics or stigma common to the group? Was there an argument to establish cause, as well as the obvious effects, of the condition both for the individual and society as a whole? If so could this be diagnosed and treated before the affliction took hold? The quest was noble, the questions never ending(rather like this ‘quick’ introductory paragraph).
Physcologists and the socially astute among you may have already spotted the link(if not, the essay title is probably a reasonable clue), for the completely random selection of social misfits above, selected completely at random remember, all share one very dark, deeply sinister secret: They are all Plant Haters. Vegetablists. Members of a genus determined to cheat natural selection and evolution by existing on a diet of gratins, wild mushroom risotto(when eating out) and grass.
Society’s (by ‘society’, you could argue ‘my’) problem here is not some deep narcissistic loathing of the individuals themselves. Ironically, I am relatively open to the condition, I even have actual friends and family who follow this abhorrent lifestyle choice. Tellingly, one close friend(who as a result became even closer) was ordered to eat properly [meat] for health reasons following extensive medicalogical tests, which in my opinion could have been hastened(to the benefit of both patient and the tax payer) if test one followed my simple guidelines:
“Question 1. Do you eat properly? (If you answered ‘yes’ go to question 2.)
Question 2. No, seriously do you eat properly? (Soya, Quorn, nut roasts etc do not actually class as a food stuff so think carefully about your answer)…”
Fairly Unnecessary Bit Of Background
Before I move on to my findings, and by way of bulking this investigation out even more, I thought it would be useful to reference the origins of the species. As you know, Homo Sapiens started to turn up around 140,000 bc, essentially out-evolutionering the other great apes and Neanderthal largely due to modern man’s considerably more advanced diet of steak, burgers and kebabs. The other homo sub species, apes and Neanderthal(who frankly was never going to win anything due to being German)(Don’t argue, Neander valley)(near Düsseldorf) continued valiantly trying to evolve on a largely garnish and dessert based diet. However, as the plastic shoed, three hugging do gooders should remember they eventually died out due to something to do with an inefficient energy releasing diet and Nile crocodiles eating them when they tried to cross rivers on their annual migration across the plains.
Very Official And Thoroughly Researched Science Element
So, what conclusions can we draw from the completely randomly selected group of random individuals compiled for our study? One fairly obvious statistic is the high occurrence of “Evil” within the group. With the exception of Subject 10: Court, all the other subjects tested score surprisingly high for some element of ‘Evil’ from ’10. Genocide’ down to ‘1. Lingering on TV despite clearly being senile(probably due to a lack of protein)’ on Hucknall’s Scale Of Evil.
The next logical step is to find a cause which could explain this high proportion, an obvious and easy one is that Vegetablists are, of course, always hungry. When the body needs food, it indicates this with what we scientists call “hunger”, however the body automatically sends out other signals when specific nutrients are required. One “Signal” is that subjects become angry, irrational and aggressive, as commonly exhibited by “Females” when deprived of essential nutrients present in “Chocolate”. Could this high presence of the AIA Signal explain high incidences of evil within vegetarian “culture”? It might, therefore I’ll base the rest of my study on this.
A high AIA level is the bodies natural way of prepping the brain to go and find food, essentially – to kill something. This would explain the highly combustible nature of the Vegetablists, it’s like a life permanently on cold turkey(pardon the pun). This theory has been demonstrated throughout history as early as Cain and Able, when the evil vegetarian Cain brutally satisfied his bloodlust by killing his own brother, the omnivorous Able. This example demonstrates what we shall call the “Cain ‘n’ Able Effect”, whereby the peace loving, enviromentalist omnivore hunts for “food”, the evil vegetarian hunts, born of frustration, purely for “recreation”.
As seen, high levels of “frustration” are a very dangerous factor in the mindset of the vegetarian, and as proven by my assumption that all vegetarians are hungry, so too are they permanently on edge, nervy and therefore “cross”. If we take nature as our example here, the most ‘evil’ animal in Africa is of course the vegetarian Hippopotamus, who, frustrated at having to spend it’s time constantly grazing on it’s low protein, low nutrient, low “food” vegetarian diet also has to watch the peace loving big cats lounge around under trees all day. Needless to say this leads to high levels of frustration, high AIA levels and high incidences of “recreational” attacks on animals and humans alike.
There is one final contributing anthropological factor, which our study serves to confirm, with the exception of Subject 16: Alan (Frankenstein’s Monster). Anthropologists have long suggested that vegetarian tribes going back to BC times were shorter than the tall, vibrant, elegant omnivorous tribes and with shortness comes, as you know, aggression. An aggression which is once again born of frustration.
Final And Not At All Rushed(In No Way Because I’ve Bored Myself Now) Conclusion
So, in conclusion it would appear that whilst not all vegetarians are evil(vegetables may disagree), it is an absolutely unquestionable fact, that all the ‘evil’ in the world, from genocide to singing too loud then too quiet is perpetrated by the vegetarians.
*Nb: No reference has been made to vegans, fruitarians or self diagnosed food allergy-ees for the sake of my sanity.
**Nb2: …oh and no actual research was done in compiling this study and as such any offence caused is fairly accidental, not that you’d have the energy to raise much more than a emaciated grunt anyway.