When is a cash machine not a cash machine?

Q: When is a cash machine not a cash machine?

A: When it’s worked once in the past 7 and a half f**kin’ months.

The Don of Abersoch with the old machine.

When Midland closed it’s doors due to lack of business last year, it threatened to take with it the only cash machine in the village. Understandibly, there was widespread hysteria, with some local residents and business people even going so far as to say that maybe someone should probably do something about it. It’s probably worth pointing out that the ATM in question was, as reported in the Caernarfon Herald, ‘the busiest in the County’ and alledgedly one of the busiest in the country during the summer months.

Something beautifully ironic about a shop on the site of a underused bank selling pyjama bottoms for £60.

After months of deliberation and red tape (brilliantly, residents complained about it’s new location, about 2 metres to the left of the old one, which is now a Jack Wills shop for idiots, something which is surely more worthy of protest) a self contained, tardis type affair landed there and we, as a local economy reliant on tourist pounds, were saved! Hoorah!!!

Unfortunately, that was about 10 months ago and the fancy new one has been filled up twice since then. I conceed that it is possible that that might be a slight exaggeration, but the old one used to get filled up two or three times a day during busy periods and this one appears to be done only marginally more regularly than the one in the Vaynol. This brings me nicely to the inconvenient truth about this rant. I am only too delighted to whinge about it in the Vaynol every night, (I think there’s probably a little part of me that hopes my old foe will flash the red screen of death at me) but have I(or anyone else) ever done anything about it? Surely there must be a phone number, e-mail address or something displayed on the side of the converted public convenience to contact the bank to tell them that, shock horror, it’s empty and has therefore gone into meltdown again.

Anyway, although, I find it very hard to believe that a little red light doesn’t flash somewhere on a massive map on a wall of the command centre in HSBC HQ, probably being watched by men in white coats with beards and clip boards(I accept there is a chance it may not be quite so cold war, but you get the point), I doubt it’s really our responsibility to call Douglas Flint (HSBC gaffer) ourselves.

"Alan, that light's on again in Abersoch, we better alert... oooh give us a biscuit"

The bizarre thing is, in the past 10 days, I’ve passed the little blue van twice when they’ve been filling it up although in that time I’m yet to see anything other than the red death screen. This leads me to the conclusion that Securicor(or whoever HSBC use to ‘maintain’ their machines) are now recruiting from the same agencies which provide staff to ‘maintain’ public toilets. Or more specifically, recruiting from the same agencies who provide staff to go and sign the sheet on the wall of flooded, dirty, stinking gentlemen’s conveniences before walking straight back out again for another unscheduled fag break.

Anyway, as a champion of the people I have now had enough, it’s time to take action. We as consumers should not have to put up with this pathethic, shoddy service while the banking system and City fat cats, fuelled by our taxes, sit in their platinum plated offices and ignore the beardy map minders and their little flashy red lights. I shall take the fight to them. We, the people, must make a stand. This is a time for action and so I have done it. I have set up a mildly sarcastic Facebook Group entitled “If 1,000 People Join This Group HSBC Mght Consider Filling The Abersoch Cash Machine’“, that’ll show the bastards!

Viva La Revolucion!

They may take our branch, but they wll never take... OUR FREEDOM.

The Picturesque Mynytho Stores, home of the Gene Genie

The Picturesque Mynytho Stores, where cashback is always available

As a bit of light relief after seconds considering sticking it to the man, spare a thought for the Gene Genie CEO of Mynytho Stores Plc, for with no cash in circulation how will Gene continue to provide the excellent level of customer service for which he is renowned? Alternatively just go in there, fill a basket with a load of random stuff, (preferably without prices so the big man has to wheeze his way around the aisle looking for it) wait until he’s tilled everything in and then produce your flexible friend and ask about cashback. The pandemonium which will ensue will get you no closer to any money cash, for this is a local shop with local ways, but it is funny as f… !!!

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “When is a cash machine not a cash machine?

  1. They just get better

  2. This is a very serious business actually.

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