Now before we crack on let’s get one thing straight, I grew up with C&A so I know a thing or two about style.
Carrot fit jeans?! Really? “Carrot” fit? That’s they best descriptive moniker they could come up with? All I can assume is that “SS Formal Dress Jeans” had already been copyrighted by someone* who wasn’t quite so quick off the mark in the manufacture of clothing to make adults look like nappy wearing toddlers in tights. It’s a ridiculous look and a ridiculous name, favoured by ridiculous people.I discovered nappy fit jeans by accident, necessity drove me into a denim emporium, where I immediately employed the art of ‘Maninclothesshop’. Unfortunately on this occasion the tricky Gapists had arranged their shop so the first pair I saw(which are the only type a real man buys) were this freakish abomination. There was no clue on the display, (no sign directing you to the Jackboot department, no picture of two Aryan cowbabies leaning on the gate of their ranch and, not that it would have given me a clue, no sign of a carrot trying to squeeze into some poorly cut denim) it was clearly a calculated plan to ship out stock bought by a drunk buyer trying to woo a camp Italian designer(obviously the Third Reich loved this look, but Mussolini’s lot were just as bad, they are often overlooked because they favoured a gentler autumnal colour chart with soft pastels, much more 1943)(…and because, primarily, they ran away alot).
With shocking pants come shocking accessories and the big three footwear choices seem to be:
a. The Pixie Hiking Boot Thing
Worn with nappy pants tucked in, these represent a practical alternative to the traditional over the knee “hooker” look favoured by Dick Whittington, Puss In Boots etc (aside from anything else the excess material gathering around the top of the boots would make trendsters look like Sir Walter Raleigh, who is evidently less of an inspiration than Whittington, Charming etc) whilst still allowing the Reich’s kinder reime characters the option to perform a schnappy heel click on demand. A useful and trendy feature on the streets of 1930′s Nuremberg, but a cocky, misguided and ultimately flawed choice for the streets of modern day Cheltenham.
b. The Swallows And Amazon Plimsole
These basic pumps are in their element helping kids capture Ronald Fraser’s hapless “Captain Flint”, drinking lashings of ginger beer or running four minute miles. However, Roger, Titty(it was a particularly inappropriate and smutty period in children’s literature), Nancy and Peggy would turn in their middle-aged, former child star (probably constantly allowing Betamax recordings of the film to drop out of their handbag, “Oh no, how embarrassing! I seem to have accidentally dropped my copy of a hit 1976 film with me on the cover…”) grave equivalents if they knew the callous, disrespectful way modern youth where abusing their wardrobe.
You’re not in Miami Vice, on holiday in Greece in 1986 or indeed, in a chipper 90′s Indie band (before all indie bands were privatised and forced to look like they were waiting for a bus, on an overcast evening in Salford and it’d just started to drizzle)(apart from Blur obviously, who don’t count after Country House, which is probably very popular with pixie booted, nappy panters, who probably singalong in their plastic mockney accents at one of the impromptu dinner parties in the credits of every Jamie Oliver program ever made) so what possible reason can you have for those ridiculous shoe/slipper/wet break arts and crafts projects? None, and unless it’s likely you’re going to need to enroll at university in the early 90′s any time soon get rid at once.
(An unlikely and ironic thing about nappy pant wearers is how often they accompany ladies in “Hammer” pants. Obviously the main point here is that the espadrilled, carrot man is with a lady not, as you’d assume, another like minded nappy fettler, but it’s also worthy of note that if common sense got a look in they’d combine the fabric and make two normal pairs of trousers).
I began this report with the assurance that, as a youth I was the purveyor of fine threads from C&A’s swanky fashion houses (I was no stranger to the world of the Global Hypercolour tee and my Leopard Shellsuit was the envy of many), so I feel qualified to assure you: Do not worry, don’t feel obliged to try these ridiculous trends. Remember, “fashion” changes, but style, like C&A itself will never die.
* Incidentally, the dubious honour of Reichcouturier goes to Stuttgart’s own Mr Hugo Boss designer to the stars with endorsements from the fragile Sienna Miller, equine Sarah Jessica Parker and speedy Lewis Hamilton. All of whom are no doubt delighted to follow in the goosesteps of Herr Himmler, the SS, SA and Hitler Youth as they stylishly cut a dash across Europe and North Africa in their Boss designed and manufactured uniforms(obviously this does a slight disservice to the 200 forced labourers who did the actual tailoring, but presumably they’ll be happy to let the Boss take the credit). So it appears, contrary to popular(loosest sense obviously) belief the devil did not in fact wear Prada.