After the potential, and accidental, usefulness of previous posts it’s time for a proper, grumpy, fist waving rant 😦
F**kin’ smiley’s (and inevitably ‘LOL’s). Why? Seriously. Why?
The British invented a perfectly brilliant language, exported it around a jealous globe and then like a cancer, teenage girls and Vaynol Bar Managers seek to destroy it from within with their lazy, insincere txtspk, “Good Times’s” and 😉 ‘s. It speaks volumes about the state of youth etiquette that I recently got mocked because I “text how I talk” – Yes, it’s called English, marvellous isn’t it.
Problem being of course that Lurch(the mocking youth) is over a decade younger than me* and that sentence was the only bit not written in youthish (I’d like to think it was delicious irony but… well… I know him 😦 ) which meant it took me a further ten minutes to decipher his ramblings before I could reply, written of course, “like I talk”(this is not true anyway because after 16 years working in kitchens (with the great, but not literally, unwashed) I at best, write how I ‘should’ talk). As the case in point it’s worth pointing out that Lurch’s spelling is as bad as it is “ammusing” and you have to wonder about the relationship between spellcheck, txt spk and writting like a toddler? (It’s probably also worth pointing out that ‘Lurch’ refers to his frame, and that he is a particularly bright and capable young man… who just ‘writes like an idiot talks’).
So what about all the lol’ing? Obviously it’s laziness, and it’s unpatriotic laziness at that, a complete disregard for language and heritage. It’s worth remembering that the French, the true champions of shrugging laissez faire nonchalance (not necessarily the Lol’ing), nearly ended up speaking German in 1940.
Up to now we, the British, still rule the world albeit in more of a consultancy role nowadays (ignore our porky cousins, they’re just the Pinky to our Brain) and as such, important stuff, meetings, texts and letters from the Nigerian National Lottery are dealt with ‘like I talk’. The front runner to topple Pinky and the Brain are our far eastern cousins, although they’ve attempted to build a language based on Pictionary (not only foolish but also very immature). 😮
So now a flippant disregard for our language has become a global issue, and furthermore when, inevitably, aliens (probably nothing scary just pale, greyer, strange looking versions of ourselves) do rock up, at some point in the future how will we communicate with them if we’re all speaking Mandarin? (aliens, as an advanced race will clearly speak English). The potential for Xorgon-Chinglish miscommunication will inevitably lead to some offence and a petty dispute, ending with an epic War of the Worlds style annihilation 😦
So, next time you vaguely throw in a “Good Times” in place of an actual phrase or lazily “lol” a telext be aware; U are not only being an illiterate, ignorant, unpatriotic fool but you are also contributing directly to the complete obliteration of planet Earth 😦 😦 😦
* A more grown up, balanced and less grumpy essay would probably refer to how we’re slowly going full circle from “Ugggg” and ‘writing’ on cave walls (a balanced argument would probably also refer to whether it’s a coincidence that people who ‘write’ on bus shelters still talk like this?) through the overly elaborate wittering on of Mr Darcy’s lot (to be fair, if you live in a time when ‘going for a turn about the garden’ can be considered an actual activity then I reckon employing a ridiculously long and rambling sentence structure, is a perfectly reasonable way of killing some more of your day) and eventually back to the LOLing generation, but I can’t be bothered and I’ve just had another FB message from Lurch which needs translating. Aside from anything else, would the Royal Mail really have been the envy of the world if (No seriously, it really was.) Thomas Brown was trekking from Candleford, up hill and down dale to loveable simpleton Alf’s mud hut in Lark Rise, to deliver Minnie’s heartfelt, if borderline retarded, ‘I ❤ U’?